9/4/2012

Dearest Diary,

I know what your thinking. Why would Aggie abandon me like this?! I was here Biffle, and it has been ages since she stroked my pages. Well, diary I’ve been busy with all the cheer I’ve been doing. Junior year is here, and I am ready to rock the field. Soon all those football players will be missing entire plays to try and see up the bottom of my cuticle skirt, and all the crazy fans will be screaming at me to do my signature move: The Maraca. I invented it when I was in Spanish when we watched a video about mexican culture (I swear my family’s gardener was in it, like 8 times). This one girl in the movie played the maracas, and she shook them so hard her chest shook too. It was so fantastic I invented a cheer where I mock playing the maracas, but the real point of it is to shake my jugs around for the crowd. At first when I tried to do it the principle stopped me, but for some reason all the seniors boys showed up for the next game. I guess this must have made some money, because my coach said I could do the “hooker” move again.

Today was the first day of school, and when I got my schedule I totes cried my eyesies out because Britturd (my new name for my Biffle Britta) did not have all of the same classes as me. I love Britturd with all my heart, and it was not perfnugs to have to go to English without her. 

Well I went to English. I have this new teacher at our school named Mr. Titte. He looks like hes about 25, and OMGizzle he’s sooo hottastick. He says his name’s pronounced “tee-tey”, but I pronounce it like “tit”. When I called him that the first time he asked me what my name was and I told him, “Aggie Reynolds.” He inhaled a little and then said, “so you’re the one I’ve heard about”. I batted my glamorous new fake eyelashes at him (I got them at crazylashes.com. If you look real close they have my name written across them. They are so fabby) and asked “Did you hear that I’m a naughty girl? Sometimes teachers have to spank me, cuz I’m so naughty.” I sent him a little wink. 

He looked me straight in the eye and said, “Nope. I don’t spank people. I do however give detentions.” 

I sighed and looked down at my boring work in front of me. I’m gonna have tostep up my game with this guy. 

I drove home (I got my driver’s licence over the summer. Though I think I only passed because I flirted with the uggboots tester guy) with Stephon. The whole way home all he could talk about was the new fashion trends. “That girl was such a skank. Did you see her boots! They were not cuteboots. They were UGGboots.” What does he know about fashion anyways? 

When we got home, mom had made cookies for us on our first day of school. Well guess what?! They were raisin cookies! She knows I HATE raisins. I was so mad that I grabbed the tray from the counter and dumped all the cookies in the toilet. Well then the toilet got clogged, and it made a huge mess from overflowing. 

So now I’m grounded in my room. Sux to be me. 

But I love you!

Kisses,

Aggie

8/5 - Baby, Part II

Dearest Diary,
Today I finally got to see the thing. It was really ugly and red. It looked like a pig. I told my mom that she shouldn't have wasted the last few months lounging around and eating a lot, because that's what probably made the baby so fat. She said it was rude to say things like that, and I said that it was only the truth. She looked mad. Anyways, mom had to stay at the hospital to recover, but I got to go home with dad. Stephon said that I looked like trash, and handed my a portable curling iron and a hair tie. "Here," he said, "please put up that rats nest of hair." I love Stephon; he knows what guys like in girls, so he's always good for fashion advice.

When I got home I was really tired so I went to bed. Dad said I didn't have to go to school today, so I slept for a good long time. When I woke up I went down to the kitchen to grab something to eat. Then I went outside to practice some of my cheer routines. That's when the worstest thing happend. A bird flew over and pooped on my hair. It was so gross so I tried to call dad at work, but he wouldn't pick up. Then I called mom, who was still at the hospital. She didn't pick up either. Stephon came around the corner, and told me that I had too much mousse in my hair. I screamed at him, and he ran away.

Then I took a shower, and washed it out, but I felt like I could never be clean again, so I used a scrub brush to clean my head.Stupsicle.

When mom got back from the hospital that night, dad fixed dinner. He made shrimp. I said I dont like shrimp and he said, "too bad." Then I said that I would rather eat my arm than shrimp, and he said fine. Then I got an idea. I went to mom and told her that I wanted to hold the baby. Mom said yes, but sounded like she didnt really want to let me. I picked up the baby and made a little bed for it in my drawer. Then I put the baby inside and closed it. Then i went to the kitchen and told my dad that if he made me eat shrimp I would kill myself and he would never find the baby.

"What?" he blurted out.

"I  hid the baby, and you'll never find it."

Dad got really mad and shouted at me to tell him where the baby was. I said it was in the toilet. Dad looked really scared and then ran past me and into the bathroom. He came back fuming.

"Tell me where she is." He said in his scary voice.

"Not till you promise no shrimp."

"Just tell me where she is."

"Okay, okay... she is out in the garden."

Dad looked worried again and ran out to the front yard. I followed behind him, and as soon as he was outside, I closed the door and locked it. I had locked Stephon out plenty of times to know the procedure. I opened the little box by the side of the door, and disabled the doorbell. Then i ran around locking all the other doors and windows in the house. Mom was up in her room, so she wouldn't hear dad knocking. Then I went into the kitchen and made a pile of all the shrimp on top of the stove. I lit the stove, and the shrimp started to catch on fire. This made a lot of smoke, so the fire alarm went off. Mom came down the stairs screaming for her baby, and then she heard dad shouting at the door to be let in. She quickly opened the door and ran into the kitchen, to find me looking for the fire extinguisher that I could swear was underneath the sink. I finally found it in a cupboard, and threw it at the pile of fire. Mom and dad were shouting at me now. Saying stuff like "That's not how you use a fire extinguisher!" Stephon ran into the kitchen. He was in the middle of a facial, and so he was mad too.

Finally, we got the fire put out, and I told mom where the baby was. She found the baby and sent me to my room.

After I slammed the door in anger I laughed, because I didn't have to eat shrimp for dinner. Then I remembered that I probably wouldn't eat anything for dinner.

So I smashed my ceiling light with my cheer baton.

So that's why I am sitting in the dark with my phone light, writing this.

That's how my day went, so goodnight.

Aggie :)

11/24 - A baby

Dearest Diary,
  I think mom hates me. She's been pregnant for 9 months now, and she let grandmonster move in. Ever since grandmonster started living with us, I have been forced to share a bathroom with her, which is totes discustifart.I don't want her wrinkly old butt sitting on my custom made toilet seat. This isn't the only problem. She also spends FOREVER in there! This morning I got up, got dressed, and went to go to the bathroom to do my hair and makeup. Surprise! Grandmonster is in there, and forgot to lock the door. I walked right in, and screamed when I saw her sitting on the pot. She yelled at me to close the door. And I yelled at her for not locking the door, and then mom heard and came to see what was going on, and she pulled me out of the bathroom and closed the door. Mom said that I needed to "be nice to grandma, because she could get to anxious and die." I made a note to put some of that clear wrap stuff over the toilet.

I have been trying to get rid of grandmonster for about three weeks now, since she moved in. One day I collected a bunch of spiders in a jar (yes, I know it was so gross), and then I put it in grandmonsters bed and unscrewed the lid. Then they started crawling around and I screamed because one got on me. I screamed that I was being raped, because that usually gets people to help me faster. Mom came running, and when she saw what I did she made me kill all the spiders myself.

The next thing I did was I took all the pictures that grandmonster has of her family (she puts them up all over the house, and I cut out peoples faces. She got so mad, mom had to come to calm her down, and tell her that we had most of the same pictures and we could copy them for her. Mom made me clean the bathroom, the one that grandmonster uses, so it smells bad. But I rebelled. I used spit to clean everything.

Anyways, after my mom pulled me out of the bathroom, she told me that we had to leave for school right away. I almost cried, because all my makeup was in the grandmonster bathroom. But then I remembered something I had seen in the garage. I ran to get a spare toothbrush from the cabinet, and then I went to the garage. I searched high and low for the stuff, and finally I found it. I squeezed some greesy black stuff onto the toothbrush and used it to apply the "mascara". It worked so well, it made my eyelashes so thick!

Then I grabbed something my dad calls a soldering iron, and used to curl my hair in the car. I'm so smart. Then mom smelled something burning and she pulled over, and looked around to see what it was. I had accidentally put down the hot iron on the new lether seats of our car, and it burned a hole right through them.

Mom was not happy. I got grounded for a week.

When I got to school I was happy to learn that Nasty Mrs. Perry was out because she was sick. We had a sub whose name I can't spell. Or remember. Anyways, he was pretty young and really cute, so when he passed by I gave his butt a little pinch. He gave me a mean stare, then he kept passing out papers. Most people fell for me right when they saw me, but he didn't so I tried harder. "Mr. What's your face! Can you come over here?" He did. "Can you help me with this math problem..."

"Well, it says you have to perform a liner regression..."

"Can I perform on your linear regression?"

Mr. Whats his face blushed and garbbled out some answer. I put on my sexy, cute voice, "Oh, I'm sorry, am I making you uncomfortable." He mumbled something and went to sit back down at his desk. Britta told me I had gone too far with this one.

At lunch time someone told me it looked like I had car grease in my eyelashes. I told them that they looked like they were dumb. Then she got mad and pulled on my hair, so I slapped her, and we were taken to the principal. He said that I need to stop coming to his office. I told him that he should stop bringing me there. He just sighed. Then he tried to call mom, but her cell was busy. Then he tried to call dad, but so was his. Finally, he reached my dad who told him that mom went into labor and they were both at the hospital.

I screamed. I had tried so hard to get mom to dump this baby. I was supposed to be the cute little, one. What was I to do now?! I told the principal that I would hire him to shoot the baby. The principal told me that it wasn't appropriate to say things like that. "They might hurt someone's feelings." I decided to try my newest tactic.

While he wasn't looking I pulled down the neckline of my shirt a little, and pulled up my bra. Then I leaned over his desk, like I was offering him eggs for breakfast, and asked him to shoot the baby. He was really flustered and told me no again. Poop this always works on my PE coach when I dont want to run...

Then Grandmonster picked me up and we rushed off to the hospital. And now I'm sitting here waiting for this baby to explode from my moms fat belly and make a mess of my life.

Goodnight for now,
Aggie.

1/3/2012

Dear Diary,
   You wont believe what happened to me. This morning Stephon woke me up because mom went to the store to buy groceries. I don't like it when he wakes me up because he always tells me something about how I should really not shower before I sleep because it will mess up my curls, or that my PJs don't match, or that I should really get a makeover because it looks like a troll pooped on my face. Like a boy would know. You know what else he told me the other day? He said that coach purses were going out of fashion! What?! Sometimes I wonder if he's even a boy. Although he does watch football with dad. He's very loud about it too. Sometimes I hear him scream something like, "Why would that team pick red and Brown as their colors! That looks terrible!"

   Anyways, so when he woke me up this morning I screamed at him to get out because I was in only my fabby Victoria's Secret underwear. It's so pink and lacy they are just so amazeballs. He left and I got dressed. Today was the end of spirit week, so it was Formal Friday. I wore a black booty skirt, and a white shirt that showed lots. I looked TOTES PROFESH. I went to school, and everyone loved my outfit, except stupid, old, Mrs. Perry. She told me that I was violating dress code and I needed to go change into my P.E. uniform. I called her a dumb ho. She sent me to the principals office.

   In the the principals office I was given a detention and some uggboots clothes to put on over my fabby outfit. I can't believe it. I couldn't believe it. "I dressed up for spirit day! Now you're covering my school spirit!" The principal told me that he wouldn't need to cover up my school spirit, if I would cover my body more effectively. He said I had them out like eggs on a platter. He's just jealous.

  Unfortunately that is when Zach went by. He saw me in my terriballs outfit! I just hid behind the bush for the rest of the day and cried. Then Mr. Stasford turned around the corner and saw me he asked me what I was doing out of class. I told him that it was "my time of month" and had forgotten my "special pads" and didn't know what to do. He wrote me a pass to the nurses office so I could call home, and go home early. Sarah taught me about that trick to get out of trouble. It works. Especially on guy teachers.

   Mom wasn't fooled. She told me that I needed to write a note to that bald teacher and apologize for lying. This is what I wrote:

Dear Mr. Strasford,
I apologize for you not knowing very much. Mostly about girls. Maybe that's why you're single. And bald.
Love,
Aggie Reynolds
P.S. Rogaine would help. And also bathing.

Well, then I put it in an envelope and licked it. All sensual like. Then mom mailed it. She never read it.

That's how my day went. Totebags horriblocity.

Love,
Aggie