Dearest Diary,
I think mom hates me. She's been pregnant for 9 months now, and she let grandmonster move in. Ever since grandmonster started living with us, I have been forced to share a bathroom with her, which is totes discustifart.I don't want her wrinkly old butt sitting on my custom made toilet seat. This isn't the only problem. She also spends FOREVER in there! This morning I got up, got dressed, and went to go to the bathroom to do my hair and makeup. Surprise! Grandmonster is in there, and forgot to lock the door. I walked right in, and screamed when I saw her sitting on the pot. She yelled at me to close the door. And I yelled at her for not locking the door, and then mom heard and came to see what was going on, and she pulled me out of the bathroom and closed the door. Mom said that I needed to "be nice to grandma, because she could get to anxious and die." I made a note to put some of that clear wrap stuff over the toilet.
I have been trying to get rid of grandmonster for about three weeks now, since she moved in. One day I collected a bunch of spiders in a jar (yes, I know it was so gross), and then I put it in grandmonsters bed and unscrewed the lid. Then they started crawling around and I screamed because one got on me. I screamed that I was being raped, because that usually gets people to help me faster. Mom came running, and when she saw what I did she made me kill all the spiders myself.
The next thing I did was I took all the pictures that grandmonster has of her family (she puts them up all over the house, and I cut out peoples faces. She got so mad, mom had to come to calm her down, and tell her that we had most of the same pictures and we could copy them for her. Mom made me clean the bathroom, the one that grandmonster uses, so it smells bad. But I rebelled. I used spit to clean everything.
Anyways, after my mom pulled me out of the bathroom, she told me that we had to leave for school right away. I almost cried, because all my makeup was in the grandmonster bathroom. But then I remembered something I had seen in the garage. I ran to get a spare toothbrush from the cabinet, and then I went to the garage. I searched high and low for the stuff, and finally I found it. I squeezed some greesy black stuff onto the toothbrush and used it to apply the "mascara". It worked so well, it made my eyelashes so thick!
Then I grabbed something my dad calls a soldering iron, and used to curl my hair in the car. I'm so smart. Then mom smelled something burning and she pulled over, and looked around to see what it was. I had accidentally put down the hot iron on the new lether seats of our car, and it burned a hole right through them.
Mom was not happy. I got grounded for a week.
When I got to school I was happy to learn that Nasty Mrs. Perry was out because she was sick. We had a sub whose name I can't spell. Or remember. Anyways, he was pretty young and really cute, so when he passed by I gave his butt a little pinch. He gave me a mean stare, then he kept passing out papers. Most people fell for me right when they saw me, but he didn't so I tried harder. "Mr. What's your face! Can you come over here?" He did. "Can you help me with this math problem..."
"Well, it says you have to perform a liner regression..."
"Can I perform on your linear regression?"
Mr. Whats his face blushed and garbbled out some answer. I put on my sexy, cute voice, "Oh, I'm sorry, am I making you uncomfortable." He mumbled something and went to sit back down at his desk. Britta told me I had gone too far with this one.
At lunch time someone told me it looked like I had car grease in my eyelashes. I told them that they looked like they were dumb. Then she got mad and pulled on my hair, so I slapped her, and we were taken to the principal. He said that I need to stop coming to his office. I told him that he should stop bringing me there. He just sighed. Then he tried to call mom, but her cell was busy. Then he tried to call dad, but so was his. Finally, he reached my dad who told him that mom went into labor and they were both at the hospital.
I screamed. I had tried so hard to get mom to dump this baby. I was supposed to be the cute little, one. What was I to do now?! I told the principal that I would hire him to shoot the baby. The principal told me that it wasn't appropriate to say things like that. "They might hurt someone's feelings." I decided to try my newest tactic.
While he wasn't looking I pulled down the neckline of my shirt a little, and pulled up my bra. Then I leaned over his desk, like I was offering him eggs for breakfast, and asked him to shoot the baby. He was really flustered and told me no again. Poop this always works on my PE coach when I dont want to run...
Then Grandmonster picked me up and we rushed off to the hospital. And now I'm sitting here waiting for this baby to explode from my moms fat belly and make a mess of my life.
Goodnight for now,
Aggie.
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